Learning to love yourself.

October 31st is already coming to an end. Happy halloween! I didn't do anything celebrating it though. How depressing. From tomorrow, the month of november is going to begin and I'm kinda excited. I mean, I have no specific plans for the whole month which gives me alot of time to concentrate on myself.You can never love someone else if you don't love yourself. I want to be someone who isn't ashamed of herself. I do love the way I am but when there is a chance for me to become better, why wouldn't I like it. You can love yourself right now or change into someone to love yourself. Changes aren't bad. They are good. Change too is a form of loving yourself. You know, you sometimes hesitate in showcasing yourself in few areas. That way you aren't actually completely loving yourself. There might be people out there who are really confident about themselves and are able to do anything without any problem but I am not like that. I hesitate and thus I know that I am not allowing myself to showcase the best. So to showcase the best I can be confidently, and to do that I may have to change myself a bit to acquire the needed skills. If you want to change, you can. That is your choice because it is you who can either decide to feel good about your change or complain about it. I choose to change to become someone who I can admire. I want to be someone who won't hesitate while advising someone else. So yeah! mission November is going to start from tomorrow. I am going to learn to love myself by developing myself. I have lots to work on and learn which is what I'll be doing fron tomorrow. I pray that I don't leave anything half way because it's boring. There is a need to learn that knowing yourself is never boring in your life. Right now, I am having ideas of creating a new me so shouldn't that be more interesting? Maybe it will be.
Happy minutes of the day were quite simple today. I lazed around re watching one of my favourite dramas and met up with a friend and off we went for a drive and ended up having ice cream in this cold weather too. Ah! Happiness is winter and it's cold. I hope it gets really really chilly.

Yeah, he couldn't even put that skull thingy properly. Well, I don't care however this picture is but I still like it. I can't help not caring because he was driving the bike at that minute. 

Yeah too shaky. I don't love shaky pictures but never mind. I love bikes. I love night time. I love long rides. I love friends who are jobless like this guy. Yaye. 

Disappointment.

Why are we disappointed? Because we expect too much. Why do we expect too much? Because we are humans and human beings are selfish. Only selfish? Nope, human beings are cruel and heartless too. We don't appreciate what we have. How pathetic. I guess I am pathetic too. I am not capable of being satisfied. I need more. I have high expectations from the people I am related to. I am a selfish person who doesn't want to settle down for anything less than what I expected and my expectations aren't reality. Reality is a pathetic world and It doesn't need me. All these made me distance myself from everyone around me. I live in a dream world where I wait for prince charming to come on a white horse but I'm pretty sure he lost his way. I don't think he's coming any soon but this world is too bright and doesn't seem to need a prince, which is nice. I don't see people crying for every little thing. I see people are perfect and know how to behave around me. I see that I look perfect too. I stay in this world of fantasy. Why? Because no one has been able to pull me out of it. No one has said that you can expect stuff from them too. No one told me that I could be selfish because he was too and that it was okay. No one told me that they realize that its just being practical and straight forward but not cruel and yet they accept it. I couldn't find the type of people I wanted and I am disappointed every second. But I chose to stay stubborn and wait. Wait for someone who can me wanna change my thinking. Make me want to believe that reality is beautiful too. I can't meet any person and learn to love them, but if someone is capable of making me do that I don't mind. I'll be waiting for someone stronger and wiser. Someone who can guide me out of my dreamland to show me one where others too exist. I only find disappointment now because I am expecting too much. And I am not going to change. Why? because I don't want to meet people who introduce me to moments which barely last for few minutes. I don't want to meet people who aren't strong enough to be able to pull me out of this well I've dug myself. I don't want them to pull me up to push me down again. Till I meet the right people, I'm waiting in this world and trying to make myself happy. Yeah, I am going to be happy but will this be okay? I don't know but I want to find out. 

Happy minutes of the day were being able to laze around reading manga. I can sit and cry because of these stories. T_T why are they so perfect?. Yep, I love anime. I love Manga. I love these stories. Yeah I guess that's one more reason you are disappointed with reality. These dreamy stories always have more to offer. I know this is stupid and pathetic but I guess that's the way I am. I'll just be waiting. So yeah, did you know beautiful japanese manga is? Feeeeeelllllsss. Kiilllinnggg meeee.                                                                                                 

                                                                        

                                                                     

                                                                                               

A spoilt child.

I have no clue how my life is right now. I want to know though but then it just seems pointless. What is that I need right now? what would actually make me happy this second? No idea. Is it the possible chances of getting whatever I want being a little high killing the motivation I need to do something? Yeah I guess. Even though it isn't very obvious I'm a spoilt child who normally gets whatever she wants. Being a spoilt child is fun, I get to be whoever I want at my house atleast. This family tries their best to suit the endless wishes I have and there are times when they burst out even after full filling them. It has happened quite often these days but not even once was I comforting them. There were times where I tried my best to look responsible but I never was comforting because I knew that I wasn't capable of it. But that didn't make me any better of a person I was. I have a cool Mom who apparently has a split personality. She is capable of being extremely sweet and makes me want to have any type of conversation with her but then, when she gets pissed off she is a completely different person. My Dad is a person with whom I fight the before minute and hug the next and this is something which keeps repeating throughout the day. My grand mom is someone who is ready to wake up at 3 am to cook me something because I am hungry only to complain about me to my mom the whole day. I have a sister who has been nothing but a disgrace for me which I owed to protect. Then comes the remaining family which consists of people who are talented and lovable with a bonus ability of being able to annoy me to the peaks. I fight with my parents everyday, I seem to hate my sister and my family. I'm frustrated that I can't be of any help but I'm annoyed that I can't be like a flashy teenager either. I don't intend to fight but I get so tired of controlling my emotions outside so that I look like a responsible person that I just burst out at the slightest things at home. It's not that I have a carefree attitude or I don't take my family seriously. It's just that I know that the day might be screaming hate but in the end, It's only about the love we have and the bond we share I guess, It's true for them though. So I'm going to take the risk of annoying or maybe even hurting them till they get my intentions. In the end, this house seems the only place to be able to tolerate me and I can't help but let myself laze around. I don't mind them scolding me or hating me. Right now this is the only place where I can afford to lose an image because I'm too busy trying to create one in the outside world. Right now, I want to be a spoilt child but then I will make efforts to change it. It's just that, it isn't something which can happen immediately. Can I be selfish this time?

Happy minutes of the day. I couldn't do anything today, literally. I only chilled with a book and a big mug of tomato soup which said "It goes best with a hug.". Isn't it retarded to imagine someone coming and hugging me while I drink soup? I don't want to spill it all over me in the end. 

but yeah, I love this mug. I love hugs. I love soup and I love myself :'D I loved the book too. 

A teenager? Trying to rebel?

Being a teenager is confusing.Everyday from the second we wake up to the second we go to bed, we are pushing ourselves ahead. You have to balance your social life, along with the internet addiction and not to the mention school and family issues. The clock just keeps on going ahead too, It won't give a break. Yeah, not that I actually needed to state that but what I meant to say is that time is always going on ahead and so are we. I try to be ignorant of the rising sun and the light fading away but I don't know. It just doesn't go the way I want to. Though the sun is up I try to still stay cosy and cuddled in my bed but who doesn't have that annoying best friend who starts calling you early in the morning and won't shut up till you wake up. Just so you know, I'm kinda the friend who wouldn't shut up until I finish what I have to say and get a satisfying reaction. Such a person finding another person like her but at a complete different range is a miracle which makes me avoiding such a person pointless. I try to turn the clocks hand back to 9 pm but my loving mother adjusts it back to 7 am and the alarm goes of *Trrriiinnnngggggggggg*. I declare that I'm not going to study and just paint out my feelings only to have my angel like dad come and support me to pursue a career in that field. I put my head down and ignore what's being taught in the class but the teacher turns out to be more considerate about my mood and is willing to teach me whenever we have a free class. I bunk school and they declare its a holiday. What am I actually rebelling against? Why am I even doing that? Rebelling has sure been a pain for me. When I try to rebel and look cool it never works out but when I try to work out things with my family or whatever, I suddenly become this heartless rebellion in their eyes. It's not that I'm getting all tattoos and piercings done and roaming on the roads. I'm a 11th grader staying in India for god's sake!

I just realised, maybe it's because of the "being a cool teenager" feel or whatever. I was all along against the wrong person. I was being against me. I shouldn't rebel, I should challenge myself. Not to be someone artificially cool but someone who gets better every day and trust me, that is cool. Not only that, you even get to say "Challenge accepted!" like Barney. Yep! I'm a fan of "How I met your mother"show but was totally disappointed with the ending, don't you think so too? well, never mind. You don't rebel against yourself and force yourself to be cool. You do whatever you love and give a personal definition to the word,"teenager". You wake up and push yourself ahead, not only in time but also ahead of yourself. To be a someone better than the person you were yesterday and to create a person you've dreamt of. 

Happy minutes of the day were doing what I'm good at and actually feeling proud of myself. Have a long way to go though but you know what you are doing.

Yes, I paint. Yes, I love batman :'D but then I love joker too :O. I don't know. I love painting for now. Yeah I love clarity too, and I crave for it.

Hyderabad today.

Interests are the things that we love, but that isn't the best part about them. The word "Interest" is shared among people. If you are going to say that "I am interested in a girl so do I share her?" in your mind or something, Not cool bro. I'm talking about Interests and hobbies. And with the people who share it are those with who we get to share the joy that only we loved once. Well, everyone thinks that they are the only one with a particular hobby in their area at a point of time. I did, so I kinda am taking a risk to conclude that everyone had those moments too. I am not talking about common hobbies like badminton or basketball, but interests like watching Japanese anime in order to know more about basketball or such. These type of interests especially make you have those moments where you feel like the only retard doing such stuff inside the circle with a radius of 500 m around you. I am a person who has "watching anime and reading manga" as her top hobby right now. I thought I was the only one to watch such foreign language stuff in my area but that wasn't true. I found people and hanging out with them makes me happy. This is something about me , not that this is my only hobby, but then the range of hobbies present is vast. Maybe Interests were supposed to be that way. You can be like, "I feel so lost in the classroom. I do nothing but sketching." but then someone see's what you are doing and comes up to you and goes like,"You sketch during the classes too? There's this girl in the side class who does that." So now, you aren't the only lost person. Basically, you aren't lost anymore because you have someone with you now and you get to decide that you guys can land up at a place together and you get to call that the destination. Interests are what we pursue however our mood is, and it's something that reminds you that you aren't alone because someone in some corner of the world is doing the same thing as you. 

Hyderabad today was beautiful. The weather was just perfect. It was super cold and was drizzling and in that weather I was smiling with these people with who share the same interest as me. 

Today's happy minutes of the day was having an Anime group meet with all the Anime fans staying in Hyderabad. They would never get bored of talking about Anime and wouldn't complain about why that is the only thing I'm into these days. They'd enjoy being like me too, and they make me feel happy. 

1st picture of the day- That was the view from the table we were sitting at. I have no clue about those two people but I loved it. It felt peaceful and pretty :'D 

2nd picture of the day- Because I love clicking such pictures ^_^ and I love wearing my sneakers and going around looking like a cool girl. 

A race?

 There are times when you realise that you have become a boring person. You aren't being a person who would run to find your happiness in those little things you might do. There are little things, actions and words that you search for to have a reason to smile and feel good. Yeah, you smile and feel good when you create memories. During the last few days I wasn't running anywhere, I wasn't creating memories where I smiled with someone else. I wasn't creating any reasons to be proud of myself. I was just going to school, sleeping during the classes and then coming back home to only sulk about the disappointments around me and then sleep again because dreaming felt like the only fun thing. Now I realise the need to run a race where I'm creating memories at every step of mine. I've now already drawn a new start line and the sun had whistled marking the beginning of the race. Today's happy minutes of the day came in the form of reuniting with a friend and having McDonalds for lunch. Happiness sure looks beautiful when it looks like a meal with fries, coke and a burger.
It rained in the evening and do you know how good it feels when you go for a long drive in such a weather with you and your friend singing out your hearts loudly? Yeah, those feelings concluded my happy minutes of today.